it's much too strong
by not.so.tragically
Summary: \\he needed her just like she needed him


_"Can I lay by your side? Next to you, you. And make sure you're alright? I'll take care of you."_

* * *

 _She had never witnessed him have one before. In fact, if his mom hadn't accidentally let it slip to her, she might not have know what was happening._

Riley and Farkle had gotten up in search of a book they would need for their group report, leaving Maya and Lucas alone at the table in the back of the library. She was flipping mindlessly through pages of a research book, not finding what they needed at all, he was taking notes out of their basic textbook. Or at least, when she was last paying attention.

Groaning in frustration at her fruitless search, she tosses the book to the side, already annoyed. "Ugh, its not-" She's cut short when she sees him with his eyes shut tight, chest heaving rapidly, gripping the table tightly. "Lucas?"

 _It's happening._

Immediately, Maya pushes out of her seat, walking over to stand next to him, unsure of how to approach him like this. She remembers what his mom said she usually does, though it doesn't apply right now. She wants to ask him what she should do, but then he starts shaking and acts purely on instinct.

Slipping between his arms, she's able to stand between him and the library table. Without hesitation, she slides on to his lap, legs on other side of him, wrapping her arms around his neck. She makes special effort to breathe as regularly as possible, keeping her pace slow and steady. "Just breathe, Lucas." He drops his head onto her chest, wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her closer. "Breathe." She whispers again, eyes slipping shut. His arms tighten around her body, and it almost hurts, still, she doesn't complain.

For a second, she doesn't think it'll work, and that she's totally messed up. But, then his breathing begins to calm, eventually reaching the stable pace it once had. Internally, Maya thanks all deities that he's okay and it worked.

Afraid to pull away, wanting to allow him comfort, she remains in her position. When his arms start to loosen around her, she opens her eyes again, and he pulls his head up off of her chest.

Maya slackens her grip around his neck, looking into his eyes for the first time.

 _Those beautiful jade eyes._

"Hey." She murmurs, letting her voice stay as soft as it was before.

Lucas smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes this time. "Hi."

Honestly, he's never felt more comfortable than he has with her sitting on his lap, holding him in her arms.

She thinks of how she wouldn't mind falling asleep like this, wrapped in each other.

"I-um-I didn't really know what to do, you're-you're mom said that she usually hugs you with the breathing thing, and that helps, but you weren't standing, so-so I tried to do it-" She's rambling now, maybe to compensate for the silence, or the fact that he's still in her embrace.

But, mostly because she doesn't want him to feel bad, not in the least. She's not entirely sure if they're out of the woods yet, seeing as how this has never happened around her before.

"Thank you." He cuts her off, looking everywhere but her. "I'm sorry you had to-"

She shakes her head, interjecting this time. "Don't apologize to me for something you can't help. And don't you dare feel bad, I wanted to help you, and I'm glad it worked."

Lucas speaks, though he seems distant. "She told you?"

"Yeah. We were talking about the muffins that one time then you went to the bathroom, and somehow she ending up talking about how much you mean to her, then she said you had panic attacks sometimes." She continues, twiddling her fingers at the nape of his neck. "I wasn't prying or anything, we just ended up there. I'd never seen it happen or anything, so yeah. I never told Riley or anyone, I figured it wasn't my business to speak."

"That was 7th grade, Maya." He finally looks at her, in both amazement and confusion. "You remembered?"

There's no more to say after she nods in confirmation. He smiles, genuine this time, when she tells him. "Don't worry, you're still Huckleberry." Lucas chuckles and she can feel it vibrate in his throat, reminding her that she's still sitting on him. "If you don't mind me asking, why does hugging help? I know that some people don't want to be touched when it happens."

"When I'm having one, I start-I start feeling detached, from what's real and what's not. And then it's like-like I forget how to breathe, and it, well it makes me _panic_ because I feel like I'm losing it. The contact helps bring me back to where I am, and what's happening, it helps me pace my breathing too, so I don't hyperventilate." Lucas takes a slow hand up and down her back, in time with his breathing. For a few moments, neither of them move, just allowing time to pass by.

Then, sadly and reluctantly, Maya lets her hands fall from behind his head, as he slides his hands off her waist. Swinging a leg back on the ground, she stands to her feet again, willing herself not to climb back into his arms.

Just a she finds her seat again, Riley and Farkle return with the book and a few others in their hands.

"Nuh-uh, I'm tired of reading about dead people." She let her head drop on the table, blonde hair blanketing around her. Lucas chuckled, reaching out to play in her hair, like he always does.

"Just a few more hours, then we can go home, _Shortstack._ " He was teasing her again.

She didn't miss how he said 'we', implying that they were always home together.

It wasn't too far from the truth.

They were at home, when they were together.

* * *

 _The next time it happens, he makes a choice. And she complies with his decision._

"Also, let's get these!"

Maya's like a five year old, running down the aisle of the store, dropping chips into the cart Lucas was pushing for her.

"Sea salt chips?" Lucas picks up the bag, reading the label. His face wrenches up in disgust, while hers widens in shock.

"You don't like them?"

"I've never had them."

"You'll love them." She assures him. It's a promise, and still a gamble, but seeing her smile gives him enough faith to keep put them back in the cart. She's bouncing around on her toes, giddy and innocent-like and it makes him smile. He loves seeing her so happy.

They were planning to study for the Shakespearean Literature test they had in English. She, almost surprisingly, was very good at reading and understand themes and character analysis in literature. Especially in Shakespeare. So, when he came to her, almost begging for help, she consented. Only if he bought her snacks to eat while they studied.

That's why he was following her throughout the store, letting her throw in whatever she decided. So far, it was mostly candy and chips, her childlike passion emanating off of her like perfume. Maya's blonde hair followed her in waves rolling down to her hips, since she's refused to cut it, and he's excited by her mere presence.

She's quickly at the end of the aisle, already scrutinizing another bag of chips, when it happens again.

It's almost as if he's out of his body and has gone somewhere else. He tries to do what the doctors say and find his grip on reality, but it's not working and he's too far already. His heart starts racing when he starts losing touch with himself. Somewhere in his mind, he knows he's shaking lightly and can't force himself to stop. White-knuckling the shopping cart handles isn't doing much at all.

 _Why can't he just get a damn grip?_

He hears her calling his name, but it doesn't quite register to him like it should. It's like he's lost inside himself, except he doesn't really know how to find himself again.

She drops the chips when she's sees that he's not moving, and runs back to him. She attempts to do what his mom does and hug him from behind, if only she wasn't an entire foot shorter than his mom. It's not accomplishing what it should and he's still shaking.

"Maya." He breathes out, and it's enough for her to realize that what she's doing won't help much. Confusion fills her body, and finally he speaks again. "Library."

Understanding hits her almost instantaneously and she's able to quickly slide between him and the shopping cart, in between his arms. Slinking her own arms around his neck, he grips her waist, laying his head on her chest again. Closing his eyes, he focuses on her movements. Her consistent breathing and calm heart rate helps bring him back again. The steady rise and fall of her sternum allows him to synchronize their breathing, letting his heart rate return to normal.

It's only minutes later, when it's finally over, he's conscious of the fact that he hoisted her against the wall of chips to keep themselves stable. Letting her heart keep him grounded, he keeps his eyes shut, securing himself in reality once more.

Lucas lifts his head from her chest, preparing to see confusion, fear, _panic_ , written across her face when opens his eyes. Instead, her expression is more relieved and relaxed than anything else.

"Hey." She whispers to him. Not scared, or even teasing, just happy and calm.

"Hi."

"You good?" Maya's head tilts slightly, surveying his facial expression. Lucas only nods in answer, embarrassed once again. As if reading his mind, Maya speaks again. "Don't do that. Don't be embarrassed, or anything like that. You understand me? This isn't under our control, it's just the hands we've been dealt. And I'm glad that I can help you."

"I just wish that I could change it, you know?"

"I know. But, I'm here for you." Smiling she plays with the hairs at the base of his neck. "Huckleberry."

Laughing, he revels in her touch, not wanting to move from the comfort of her arms. "I'm glad it's you, Shortstack."

Just as she's about to shoot in a quick chide about Texas, one that she'd been holding for a while, an old couple comes walking down past them.

"Awe, look, Cal. Remember when we used to do that?" The woman points to Maya and Lucas, who are still against the wall.

"Of course, Edie. We could just never get enough of each other, much like these youngsters right here." Cal chuckles, nodding towards them.

Maya blushes, in the most un-Maya way, dropping her head in his neck. "Oh, no. We're not dating." Lucas tries to clear up the confusion, but it doesn't help much.

"Son, with the way you're holding each other right now, it's hard to believe you're anything but a couple."

Edie gives a light laugh, adjusting her glasses on her nose. "Cal used to hold me like that, just to hug me 'hello'. We know what love looks like, relationship or not, I can see it." She gives a tug on Cal's shirt, and they continue down the aisle.

Picking her head up, Maya raises her eyebrow, her face still tinged pink. "I guess, I should put you down now, huh?"

Sighing, she mumbles a 'yes' and he sets her back on the floor. Releasing her hands, she lets them drop back to her sides awkwardly.

For a second, he's overcome with the need to just kiss her, call Cal and Edie back, and say they were right. But, he fights it back inside him and shakes his head.

"C'mon, let's go home."

He notes how she doesn't indicate her place or his, but just says home.

Not a physical place, but more of an inner setting, something he only finds with her.

So, in a sense, they were always home together.

* * *

 _The next time it happens, everything comes up. And Lucas makes another decision, and so does Maya._

"It's delicious!" Maya's mouth is full of a lemon-ginger scone and her words come out muffled, but Lucas pretty much understands what she's saying. Riley laughs, watching her best friend devour the food.

"I know." Lucas' voice is laced with smugness.

They're all sitting in Topanga's, their usual spot, enjoying a breakfast pastry before it opens for the day. Maya was just about to get a slice of her usual lemon pound cake, when Lucas told her to try something different. Riley, Farkle, and Zay already had their food, allowing the two to open up the day with a healthy argument before breakfast.

"Why would I do that? I love my lemon pound cake." Out of everything, it was Maya's favorite pastry from the bakery and she ordered it all the time.

"To expand your taste buds, maybe?" Lucas' voice dripped with sarcasm and Maya didn't take to kindly to it.

"And why, pray tell, would I want to do that? My taste buds are comfortable the way they are. Right now, they want some lemon pound cake."

Rolling his eyes, Lucas geared himself up for another squabble for breakfast.

"Maybe they're all dead from the lemon pound cake you drown them in."

"At least they died happy, not in that yucky currant doughnut you like so much."

Maya crossed her arms over her chest in plain defiance.

"You know what I think?"

"What do you think? Please elaborate for the class, _Huckleberry_." Maya mocked their 5th period History teacher, in a spot on exaggeration.

Leaning down in her face, Lucas smirked, knowing how he would win. "I think you're scared."

 _"Scared?"_ Maya was in total disbelief at what he just said. She was also fighting the urge to step closer and just inhale, because he smelled like honey and winter snow at the moment. "Scared of _what?_ "

"You're scared that I might be right."

"No, I'm actually, I'm not." She stood to her full height, not backing down. "I'm scared the disgusting taste of whatever else you like might just kill me."

Lucas rolled his tongue inside his mouth, shaking his head. "You're afraid of it. Admit it _._ "

" _No._ " Her voice was thick with rebellion. She was close enough to him that he could smell her wonderful scent of apples and oil pastels, and he started to get lost in it.

"Then prove it, _Shortstack._ Pick your 'poison'." He gestured to the array of pastries sitting behind the glass, stepping aside.

Surveying the treats, Maya tapped a ringed finger against her bottom lip. Then, chewing on her tongue, she pointed at something she was sure she'll spit out the second she put in her mouth.

"Get the garbage can ready." She took her pastry Topanga, winking discreetly, half-smirking.

Sitting down, everyone watched as Maya inspected the treat from all angles. Cory and Topanga held hands behind the display case. Riley watched through the strands of her hair, Farkle through open fingers on his face, and Zay blatantly stared in amusement.

"What if she hates it?" Topanga whisper-yelled to Lucas.

"She won't." His smile was confident, as he sauntered back over to his seat.

Grinning triumphantly, Maya took the first bite, and then let her face drop as she chewed. "Oh my god."

"What? Do you hate it?" Riley peeked through her hair at the blonde.

Maya took another bite, letting the food run over tongue before answering her. "No. It's delicious!"

"I know." Lucas smirked in triumph.

She swallows another bite, before speaking again. "These taste like things your mom made for breakfast that one Saturday!"

"Yeah, that's because it is. It just looks different."

Maya's already licking her fingers when she sees everyone's shocked faces. "What?"

"You had breakfast with him?" Riley's voice is slightly shrill, and her faces tenses to match.

Zay looks between Maya, Lucas, and Riley. "Coming, Mrs. Matthews!" He jumps up out of his seat, and walks over to the counter to watch the exchange take place.

Analyzing the situation, Farkle also stands up. "I think I'm going to find out what's in this muffin." Picking up the crumbs of his muffin, he goes to stand next to Zay, watching intently with Cory and Topanga.

"Yeah, his-his mom made breakfast one morning." She's stumbling over her words and crushing the napkin in her hands.

"She invited you over?" It's a open statement and there's only one right answer.

But, the right answer isn't the truth. And Maya will never lie to Riley. "Kinda."

"Kinda?"

"See, Maya had an art show on Saturday morning, and they wanted her back on Sunday evening." Lucas starts to jump in, trying to help explain.

Maya nods, as if confirming this fact. "And Lucas had a game on Friday night."

"But, we had an English project that we got that Friday morning, to turn in on Monday." He continues.

"So, I came over on Saturday to finish it with him."

"We really didn't have much done to start with." Lucas tries to add some humor, to lighten the mood, but only Zay laughs in the back.

Taking a slow hand through her blonde hair, Maya picks up the story. "So, it took like all night to finish. Literally, it was 1 in the morning when we finally finished."

"And it was dark, and raining. Of course, my mom wouldn't let her walk home."

"She told me to just stay the night, and go back home in the morning." Avoiding all eyes, Maya adds weakly, "So, I stayed."

"Then, she made her these for breakfast in the morning."

"Can I please talk to you outside, Maya?" Riley doesn't sound mad, but she also doesn't look happy, so Maya follows wordlessly.

Zay comes back over to sit next to Lucas, an ill concealed grin spread over his features. "So...she stayed the night?"

"It wasn't like that."

"She slept in your bed..." His expression is almost comical given the situation at hand.

"Yeah, but I slept on the couch. Come on, Zay, you know that." Lucas sighs at his friend and looks out the window toward the animate conversation between Maya and Riley.

And there it was again, his heart beat starting to quicken and the minimal tremble in his hands.

He clutches the chair, trying to fight it off, but he knows it's useless. It's like a rising in his chest and he's totally defenseless at the moment. Faintly, Zay's calling his name, but Lucas is engaged in his own inner turmoil.

Though, he can clearly see the anguish written across Lucas' face and knows what's going on. "Mr. and Mrs. Matthews!"

Vaguely, Lucas hears the parts of the conversation between Riley's parents, Farkle, and Zay. It was a fast volley of what to do and who to call, and if 911 would be plausible, when Maya and Riley finally come back inside. Zay's telling him to breathe, standing next to him worriedly, while Riley looks nervously between her parents and Lucas.

Without waiting for invitation, Maya pushes through them, standing in front of Lucas. She's as composed as she can muster, and makes sure she's calm before she takes a seat on him. Her arms take their place around his neck, and he presses his head closer to heart. The pace is serene and tranquil, and he follows it strictly.

 _Up, in. Down, out. Up, in. Down, out._

She's silent, simply letting him take control of himself again, not daring to move to soon. Maya's lost track of how long they've been sitting there, her mind focused on Lucas' well-being and nothing else. So, what's actually minutes, could have been hours and she wouldn't have cared. Her eyes are shut, and she's concentrating on his breathing more than anything.

Once he's able to breathe normally, without completely focusing on it, he relaxes. When he relaxes, she relaxes and it's all okay again. He's still listening to her heartbeat, the rhythmic beating sounds like music to his ears. Lucas breathes in deeply and takes his head off her chest. Looking into those warm sea-blue eyes of hers, he swears he's never felt better. She gives an easy smile, causing the corners of his lips to turn up.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"We're good?"

"We're good."

She's playing with the hairs on the nape of his neck again, and it's almost second nature for her now. Maya knows she has to get off of him soon, but she's capturing the moment right now.

But, she feels them staring, so she starts to get up and Lucas locks his grip on her waist.

"What—?"

"Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me."

"No, I do. Years later, you remembered something about me, and you helped me. You help me. And after these happen, after these moments with you, I realize something."

"Lucas...?"

He's staring her down, eyes peering into the very depths of her soul. "I like your eyes. And your smile. And the way your arms feel wrapped around my neck. I like holding you, like this and every other way. I like the way you blushed the first time, when it was over, because it was the first time I had actually seen you visibly unsure of yourself. I really like you Maya."

She's half-smiling, half-frowning at his confession. "You know, we can't actually run off into the sunset together. It doesn't really work like that..."

"I don't care."

Lucas is patiently waiting for her to say something, and right now she's actually scared. There's no wrong or right thing to say. It's only how she feels and she's scared of that. Everything's going on so fast and she's quickly going over the repercussions when someone interjects.

"Damn it Maya, just tell him how you feel!" Zay's voice is excited and he's tired of waiting for her answer.

"I like you Lucas. I really like you." And maybe she's shot her whole friendship to hell, but she just had to say it. She had to let him know, he had to know that he wasn't alone in this. She needed to tell him, because if she didn't, she would've spent her whole life wondering what could have been different if she had just said something. Turning her head to look at her best friend, she breathes, "Riley, can we talk outside?"

Riley nods, albeit stiffly, and pushes herself out the front door.

"One second." She says to Lucas, letting herself out of his hands, preparing to face the storm. She exhales slowly before going outside with Riley. "I know this looks really bad, but maybe that's 'cause it is really bad but—"

"I'm happy for you." Riley cuts her off. Her face doesn't project the emotion she's talking about and Maya's completely confused.

"Huh?"

"I'm happy for you, Maya." She takes a seat at the little table, facing the window in the bakery and Maya sits at the other. "I'm really happy that you like him, and that he likes you back."

"Yeah, itt stings. A lot. But, I think I need this. I'm kinda mad too, I'm not going to lie to you and say that I'm not. This actually, _really,_ hurts, and it'll take time. Seeing you with him and him with you. But, you're my best friend, and I love you. So I'm glad this is happening for you."

"You're really okay with this?" Maya asks incredulously.

"I am. Like I said," She reaches over the table and holds Maya's hands. "I love you, Peaches."

Maya's on the brink of tears at the moment and she's almost mad at herself for it. "I love you too, Honey." She squeezes her hand before standing to her feet with Riley. Pulling her into a hug, she gets a mouth full of Riley's hair, just as Riley's getting hers, but she refuses to let go.

"Peaches?" Riley's voice is slightly muffled into Maya's hair.

"Yeah, Honey?"

"It's really cold out here and neither of us are wearing jackets."

"I know, Honey."

Releasing Maya from the embrace, she pulls the blonde inside the bakery once more, finally ready to send her off. Dragging her next to Lucas, she lowers her voice when she talks to the Texan. "If you hurt her, you **will** ceaseto exist." Riley then stands beside Farkle, taking a shuddering breath.

Maya looks up at Riley, who gives her a small, approving nod, and then back at Lucas, who rises to his feet. "Huckleberry?"

"Shortstack."

Meeting his eyes again, she continues. "...Lucas?"

"Maya." He returns easily.

He's standing right in front of her now, a smile threatening his features. "We're going to give this a shot?"

"Yes, we are." Lucas nods, sliding a hand around her waist, very different from the tight grip she's used to, pushing her hair away from her face.

 _She can't hide._

"This could end horribly, 'ya know? We could end up terribly mangled, ruined and hating each other."

He nods, tugging lightly at her waist. "True, we could end completely, terribly, undeniably...in love with each other, too. It's a chance I'm willing to take."

Allowing her body to be drawn closer to his, her voice is a whimper. "I think I'm scared."

"I'm not." Lucas leans down, connecting their lips slowly. She's slightly tentative with Riley in the background, and he knows it. But, it doesn't faze him, he simply waits, holding her in a chaste kiss. And when she finally gives, wrapping her arms around his neck, and kisses him back, he's on cloud nine.

Pulling apart, she smiles up at him, playing with the hairs at the nape of his neck as he cradles her body to his.

That's how it happened with them, sometimes Lucas was weaker and Maya was stronger. Sometimes Maya was scared, when Lucas bold. At one point or another, both would be fierce and passionate. Or both would tender and quiet. But, either way, weak or strong, scared or bold, fierce or quiet, Maya would never hesitate to wrap Lucas in her arms whenever he needed a calm heartbeat and Lucas was never reluctant to pull her in for a kiss. He needed her just like she needed him.

* * *

 **So, I know I'll be under fire for this instantly but let me explain just 2 things.**

 **1) Not all panic attacks are the same, they aren't the same every time, and they're not the same for each person. Sometimes certain things trigger panic attacks and other times they just happen. Some people shake, some tremble, some stay still. Some people cry, some don't.**

 ** _A lot of different things can happen during a panic attack_.**

 **2) Therefore, everybody reacts differently to panic attacks. Some people don't want to be touched, they just don't like/want it at all. Others, however, prefer being touched/hugged/rubbed or anything of the like. (Especially when they feel desensitized to the real world/reality.)**

 **Please don't come and tell me this is so unrealistic, and it could never happen, etc.**

 **This was based off of mostly personal experiences, so I'm writing from there.**

 **Kay? Thanks.**

 **Aside from that, please review and tell me what you thought, what you liked/didn't like, _constructive criticism is welcome here._**

 **The song lyrics from the beginning is "Lay Me Down" by Sam Smith, I loved the acoustic version.**

 **And also, 'Howdy Neighbor' by my mom (Tiramisuspice) is my whole lifeline currently.**

 **Check back for more stories and whatnot!**

 **\- Minnie, (Yes, this is my birth name, and yes like the mouse, and haha, yes it's funny.)**


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